Do you know? If you answer yes, you’re probably wrong. My opinion, worth exactly what you paid for it, but there it is.
I ask this, because I sit here in front of my computer at 1:00 AM on a Saturday night, and I am remembering all the things I have been. All the different people I have been, both to myself and to other people. It makes me wonder if I even know who the fuck I really am. So, something strange happened when I started having this borderline identity crisis. A confluence of events that brought about a feeling of…well, for lack of a better word, hope. A combination of the right music, scary thoughts and sleep deprivation.
The realization that you don’t know who you are is a freakin SCARY thing. Try it, go ahead, I’ll wait. Your mind probably did what mine did at first…which is to say, you only allowed yourself to get so close to that thought before shying away from it, huh? Like edging your toe over a really long drop-off, but pulling it back before you could be in any danger. You looked over the edge long enough to get that ball-tingling feeling of fear when facing something you instinctively know is dangerous.
Because, the truth is, none of us really knows. Byron Katie once asked the question: “Who are you without your story?”. Brilliant. You go through life believing your own bullshit for at least half of it (if you’re lucky). At one time you may have been a drama-queen, insecure, selfish, closet-madonna-fan, freak who wished you were someone else. Maybe that’s all changed. Maybe it’s all the same, but the point is, whoever you were, you still are, in some sense of the word. And the truth is, everything that was true about you…is only true until this very moment. You’re always making decisions that make subtle changes in who the fuck you are.
You’re changing. You are not the person you were 5 minutes ago. Scary as shit. But, if you’re open to it, it’s also inspiring in equal measure.
You see, right now I think I’m a single dad who works too much, has a hard time saying “no” and is loaded with bad habits. But is that really me, or is that the bullshit I am believing about myself at this very moment?
Because if I relegate it to the bullshit category, I can be all the things I like about myself. All the things that actually made an impact on the fabric of me. I’m listening to some of the most amazing Drum n Bass I have ever heard, and maybe it’s the music, but at this moment, after edging my toe over that dropoff and not pulling it back, I see myself differently.
Right now I am that feeling you get when the music takes you.
I am the smile in my heart when I hug my son.
I am all the things I want to teach him.
I am all the things he will remember about me.
I am the feeling I got when I first realized I could get out of my own way enough to learn to dance.
I am the music I have yet to write, and the words I have yet to speak.
I am mistakes I will definitely make, and the ingenuity to fix them.
I am the boy who was too afraid to tell all those girls that I had a crush on them. I am also the man who was too afraid to tell some of them that it was more than a crush, and let them slip away.
I am the sadness of missing my Mom. And I will always be her son.
I am the groove I have when I think of the best “parties” I’ve been to.
I am choosing right now to be the moment when you forget how to do things and just do them.
I am the people I love. I am everything anyone has ever said about me.
I am potential. I am as young as I will ever be, and as old and as open minded as I can make myself.
I am both the bow and the arrow, and I am propelling myself toward tomorrow with all the speed and accuracy of my thoughts…but:
Right now I choose to be the smile and the tears and the groove and the idea and the beats and all the skills I have ever had.
So, when I ask you “Who the fuck are you?”, it’s not a snarky or agressive thing. It’s an honest question asked from the very unique perspective I am feeling right now. Just an effort to get you to put more than your toe over that edge, and not pull back. It’s a moment of clarity that I’d like to share with you, if you’re in the mood.
On some level, I think we all go through most of the day thinking everyone else is an idiot, even if we don’t admit it. Well, right now is one of the few times that I cannot think of anyone as anything less than beautiful. Let’s see how long I can make this last.
Wishing you all the best dream you’ve ever had, and the power to make it come true,