Been a while! Blah blah, been busy, yadda yadda preamble, etc. OK now that that’s out of the way, I’m back to tell you about the greatest way I’ve come up with to throughly mess with my kid 🙂 As a dad, I feel it’s my duty to play pranks on him and generally mess with him. It’ll build character (or foster neuroses) plus it’s a GREAT DEAL OF FUN®!!
He just turned 6 ( I know, crazy right?) and his vocabulary and understanding of the world is truly astounding. It’s humbling beyond words to see him explore the world around him and accomplish new and exciting things. He’s starting 1st grade at the end of this summer, and is totally looking forward to it! He’s smart, funny, caring, everything I could have hoped for and more. But enough of the mushy stuff, it’s time for a GREAT DEAL OF FUN ®.
So, here’s the scoop:
I told the Bug that he’s an Android. Not a robot-type, metal construct, but a super advanced android that looks and talks and learns like a real boy! I showed him the box that his parts came in, even got his Mom in on the story, which she’s corroborating. He is skeptical, but you can tell there’s a teeny tiny little piece of him that believes it too. He says things like:
“I’m not an android!” I reply: “Good, that’s what you tell your friends at school, they CAN’T know what you really are.”
“Well if I’m an android, how come I don’t sound like one?” Reply: “You’re not that kind of android, buddy. You’re made to sound and feel exactly like a real boy! Super advanced, no one can tell the difference.”
“Androids don’t poop.” Reply: “Only the best, most advanced androids have the bio-systems in place to poop. That’s why we don’t plug you into the wall at night. You are one of the few androids that gets his energy from food! Especially veggies. Eat up.”
“But Mommy told me once that I was in her belly for a long time” Reply: “Mommy carried you like that for a while, yup. It was the best way for your cerebral circuits to get to know both Mommy and Daddy.” Then I showed him the plaster cast of Mom’s pregnant belly they did at the shower. (LOLOL too evil, I know).
It doesn’t come up that often, and I am pretty sure he knows it BS, but every now and then he’ll start a conversation like:
“Daddy, what other kind of androids are there?” Reply: “We’ll, buddy, there’s worker androids, teacher droids, combat droids. I think about 10% of the folks you see on a daily basis are androids of some kind or another.” He gives me a look like he know’s I’m full of it. Then says:
“Well then, what kind of android am I?” Reply: “You’re the BEST and MOST ADVANCED of all the types. The Dyn-corp Industries Learning Android XR-7 MarkIII©. They are some of the only ones who can be ANY of the other types!” Another look like he knows I’m shitting him.
“Maybe someday, I can turn my hands into LASER GUNS!! Pew-pew-pew” then the conversation devolves into a tickle fight, and we both laugh.
I think he’s about 99% convinced he’s not an android, but every now and again, there’s that little bit of doubt (like when he comes to the office and a co-worker will back up the story). He’ll look around conspiratorially and ask me: “Daddy, if I really am an android, what would happen if I told someone?”
“Bug, you didn’t tell anyone did you?”
“No, but what would happen if I did?” Reply” “They will probably just think you’re weird.”
“I’m already weird, but weird is good!”
“Yes, buddy, you are weird in all the right ways.”
I love this kid 🙂